Pills have been a hard master with which to contend. I had to suffer a few seizures before I could admit that this was not a match I could win. Closing in on death’s door, I finally saw them for the poison that they really were. Throughout the haze of my depression that hadn’t quite gotten through yet. Soon after this realization other side effects and withdrawal symptoms began to make themselves known; my body felt like it would collapse in on itself like a house poorly constructed if I didn’t take a specific number of pills [which I couldn’t because my choices were pain or death at that point.]
I remember trying to gradually reduce the number of pills I was taking until I could finally discard them but every once in a while I would go back to the original number and would have to start all over again. This went on until I decided to go to rehab. For a while I was cooperative because I thought my period of stay was one month only. I recall a sense of gladness that my body was finally starting to withstand the storm of withdrawal effects [with medication of course]
The wool was pulled from my eyes when the month concluded and I found that I was still within the green gates of my rehabilitation center. I was beyond furious not merely because of having been deceived but also for being detained for time I didn’t think I needed as against other activities I needed to be pursuing. Time matters so much and it was during this time that I truly recognized the drugs’ influence on my time, personal or otherwise. I saw in a silhouette the pace that my education had taken, the work I loved and could have been doing instead of being enclosed and it brought tears to my eyes. It is that moment that I recall every time I find myself making pills a habit again.
This is when i got to understand that Recovery is one day at a time but I don’t believe in the helplessness of addicts. I believe we have the power to shore up our defenses and fight our habit, getting help where we need it from rehabs, counsellors or psychologists and even families. Addiction like any other journey in our lives that has an end; it is only the haze of our habits and their effects that mask its existence and make the journey appear endless. Fight for that end today.